Hang onto your hats, folks! This is a wild one!
Everything you read below is FICTIONAL


1986/1987 (exact date unknown) - Cherry Hill Tribune headline reads "Colonel Nesmith Sues Across America."
Colonel Nesmith sues the Hands Across America organization, after "not being allowed to participate" in the event. "I was told they were going to film footage here," he said. "And then they decided to use that rat on steroids over at the Rat Factory instead."

2/1987 - Colonel Nesmith paints everything (and we mean everything) in the park blue in honor of a Smurf show being performed at the park. The shrubbery is replaced by plastic blue shrubs, and even the asphalt has been painted blue. Niece Kate Nesmith had this to say in later years: "I knew he was a little crazy, but this blue thing was too much!"

4/1987 - A woman identified as Sue Mallone sues the park every single day for one month straight. All suits are thrown out of court:
---4/1: Ms. Mallone stated Colonel Nesmith targeted her in particular to be bombarded with water balloons.

---4/2: Claimed to have found a deep fried rat in her chicken

---4/3: Claimed to have broke her left leg while exiting a ride (and she entered the courtroom with a cast on her right leg)

---4/4: Claimed a hologram projection was harrassing her

---4/5: Claimed a live shark attacked her boat on Little Bunny Foo-Foo

---4/6: Claimed Colonel Nesmith was "anti-American" because he hated Mickey Mouse

---4/7: Claimed to have been literally thrown out of the park for carrying a purse with a small Mickey Mouse patch sewn on it

---4/8: Claimed the "Little Bunny Foo-Foo" song could be heard 666 times during the ride's duration

---4/9: Sued the Colonel for allowing blacks, Jews, Asians, and other minorities into the park where "decent people" gather

---4/10: Claimed the Upchucker caused her to throw up fifty times

---4/11: Sued because the restrooms were "too far" from the rides

---4/12: Claimed to have fallen into the pit for Journey to the Center of the Earth

---4/13: Claimed the new Haunted House ride (called "Somebody's Watching Me") caused her to become paranoid that someone really was watching her (the ride featured eyes that followed riders as they rode through the house)

---4/14: Claimed a vendor threw her ice cream cone to the ground "for no good reason."

---4/15: Claimed to have severely injured her posterior after she fell from a tram (it was later revealed that she was mooning a passing tour bus)

---4/16: Claimed Little Bunny Foo-Foo assaulted her in her sleep

---4/17: Claimed the lights from the Vhatchamacallit Thingamajig 3000 caused her to become radioactive and glow in the dark

---4/18: Claimed the park sent "giant Popples" after her daily

---4/19: Sued because the park sponsored an Easter Egg Hunt and had a special Easter Parade featuring the Easter Bunny and Mrs. Easter Bunny. Ms. Mallone claimed the Colonel was trying to force religious beliefs on the park patrons (Easter was on April 19th in 1987, BTW)

---4/20: Sued because the Easter decorations remained up after Easter was over

---4/21: Claimed the park gave special attention to a child by allowing him and his family to go on the rides without having to wait in line. The child, Berkley Morrison, was a quadrapalegic, and confined to a wheelchair. Ms. Mallone claimed it was unfair that they allowed him on the rides without having to wait while she stood in those long lines for hours on end.

---4/22: Sued for discrimination when security guards refused to let her enter an area of the park (she was trying to get into the men's room because all the stalls in the ladies room were full, and she didn't want to walk to the next restroom facility)

---4/23: Claimed Colonel Nesmith is a hypocrite for preaching about the environment, and stating there are no recycling units at the park

---4/24: Claimed two security guards sexually assaulted her behind the Poppyseed Place Pavilion

---4/25: Claimed the Colonel was a racist because there were not enough minority groups in the park

---4/26: Sued because a clerk wouldn't sell her a small, stuffed Little Bunny Foo-Foo toy. Ms. Mallone didn't want to pay the price for it, because it was too high ($2.95) and demanded a discount. She claimed the clerk was rude to her

---4/27: Sued one of the park's restaurants after she bit her tongue eating their French fries

---4/28: Claimed the Colonel's pet aardvark, Haarvey, bit her and gave her rabies

---4/29: Claimed teh Colonel forced her into Poof Mooshy the previous year in an attempt to murder her

---4/30: Claimed her right to assembly was violated when security asked her to leave the park when she started marching through it, leading a group of protestors

5/1/1987: Court orders Ms. Mallone to a mental institution after all those lawsuits, when she entered the courtroom wearing wristwatches on both ankles (as well as her wrists), and a rubber chicken tied to her head, claiming she fell off a ride, split her head open, and the park turned her into a maniac. She made headlines two days later when she claimed she saw Abraham Lincoln take off his face to reveal himself as a Venutian. "Why she can't go harrass the Rat Factory is beyond me," the Colonel said. "I think they must've sent her over."

6/1987: The Sunshine Factory is closed indefinitely after rats invade the park. The Colonel blames Disneyland for sending them over, and starts a rumor about Mickey Mouse planning on murdering Donald Duck, and the It's a Small World ride containing subliminal messages telling people to stay away from the Sunshine Factory in droves.

7/5/1987: the park is closed again shortly after its reopening after the rat infestation. Only this time, a tornado blew through the park. No one was hurt.

8/20/1987: A man sues the park when he discovers it's closed on his son's sixth birthday. The family made a special trip all the way from Pennsylvania so they could go to the park for their son's birthday. The park was still making repairs from the tornado damage.

8/21/1987: The man sues once more when his three kids are killed on one of the roller coasters. The man's seventeen-year-old son snuck into the closed park with his thirteen-year-old sister and the six-year-old birthday boy without the parent's knowledge. They sneak aboard the testing coaster, which had suffered severe damage from the tornado, and breaks down when a piece of the track collapses. The car is rolled down the steep incline backwards and smashes into the car behind it, causing both cars to explode. The three kids are found once the fire is controlled. Staff had no clue the kids were on the ride.


Next Time: 1988 - Present

*~*~*WARNING!*~*~*
There are some events that happened in these years of the park history that are *not* family friendly (please note that it is ALL FICTIONAL!!!!) Read at Your Own Risk. (And I gotta tell you, the 80's are long and involved!)

4/1983 - Security and local police arrest 34-year-old Jake Bradford after he climbed on stage during a concert performed by Kate Nesmith, the Colonel's niece by marriage. Bradford had been stalking Ms. Nesmith all day and finally rushed the stage and propsed to her, while drunkedly waving a gun in front of her. The Colonel was reported to have said, "How he got that thing past securitl, I'll never know. I don't understand how we get all the kooks and the Rat Factory gets all the sane people."
("The Rat Factory" is what the Colonel refers to Disneyland as)

6/1983 - Tyler Schwinn sues for breach of contract after Colonel Nesmith fires him for assault and destruction of property. Schwinn, one of the many actors who walked around the park as Little Bunny Foo-Foo, had allegedly taken a Mickey Mouse doll from a little girl, stroked, patted, and kissed it's head, cuddled with it for a moment, and then bopped it on the head repeatedly with a toy mallet the Bunny Foo-Foo actors carried while in costume. Schwinn then ripped the doll's head off, and stomped on it, like he was stomping out a cigarette. Then he began flinging stuffing out of it. He could be heard shouting "Wheeeee!" from inside the giant Bunny head. Barbara Daniels, who was on duty as the Good Fairy that day, warned Schwinn (in character) to stop it or she'd turn him into a goon. Schwinn dropped the decapitated doll, jumped on Daniels, tackled her to the ground and tried to reach up her dress, in front of a dozen or so childen (all between the ages of four and eight). Schwinn stated, "I was only doing what the Colonel would do!" The Colonel said, "I may hate that overgrown rat, and I may turn people away at the gate if they have anything that resembles anyone or anything from the Rat Factory coming into the park, but I would not destroy a child's doll, or assault a female co-worker." Rumor had it that the Colonel bought plush Disney characters in bulk, and run them over with the Gingerbread Express train, or strap them to fireworks and set them off after the park closed. However, no one was able to prove it.

11/1983 - The Colonel puts his biggest (and arguably stupidest) promotion idea in motion. He buys one million Cabbage Patch Kids dolls, and offers a doll to the first one million families to visit the park Saturday (the actual date of this event is unknown). Since it's the height of Cabbage Patch Mania, people lined up at the gates the night before. The plan was simple. Guests would come into the park in an orderly fashion, and a doll was handed to one of the parents. The Colonel ignored all inquiries about "What happens if a family has more than one kid?" The Colonel was firm with the rules: Only One Doll Per Family. What the Colonel didn't realize was how hot these dolls were. When the gates opened, people stampeded in, grabbing at the dolls left and right, fighting tooth and nail for them. During the day, people left dolls unattended, and had them stolen right out of their hands. Several cars in the parking lot had been broken into, and one father was hospitalized after being stabbed by a teenager, who stole a doll from his daughter, and he chased after him. The father was unable to recover the doll, but he did recover from his injury. The Colonel was reported to have said, "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea . . . . ."

1/1984 - Colonel Nesmith reports his teenage son, Beaureguarde "Beau" Nesmith, after an argument over Beau hanging out with "certain low-lifes." After the argument, Beau (16) went to his father's park with his girlfriend, Jennifer Bailey, to let off steam. Park employees informed the Colonel that Beau was sneaking people in, and hanging out in the dark rides, smoking marijuana and snorting cocaine. The Colonel dismissed it saying, "Boys will be boys."

1/15/1984 - Beau Nesmith, Jennifer Bailey, and several of their friends party at the Sunshine Factory all night. Drugs and alcohol are present, and several uninvited guests arrive. The "party" breaks up at around four in the morning. Beau is seen leaving through a back exit. It is the last time he is seen alive.

2/1984 - The Colonel closes the park temporarily while police search for Beau. Security officer Harold "Smitty" Smith informed the Colonel about the drug party, and that he saw Beau leave through an employee exit around four in the morning. Another witness saw Beau talking to a group of young men, who might have been gang members, and they started arguing. The witness also stated one of these young men suddenly grabbed Beau and dragged him into the woods near the park.

3/14/1984 - Police discover the body of a teenage boy in a ditch in the woods near the Sunshine Factory. He is positively identified as Beauregarde Nesmith.

3/15/1984 - The Colonel holds a memorial gathering at the park for his only child. Patrons are allowed in, but the rides are closed. The Colonel has Beau buried in the park's garden, with a stone marking the grave. It is discovered that Beau's murder was drug related. Beau owed a lot of money to a drug dealer, but he refused to pay up. He threatened to go back to the park and turn the dealer and his gang (which included the older brother of Beau's girlfriend, Jennifer Bailey) over to security. The young men ganged up on Beau, took him into the nearby woods, stabbed him to death, and dumped his body in a ditch.

11/1984 - Inspired by an episode of "WKRP in Cincinnati," the Colonel arranges for live turkeys to be dropped from a helicopter as a Thanksgiving promotion. It is later revealed that the Colonel did not see how that particular episode ended. "Odd, very odd," he said. "They've got feathers, they've got wings . . . . . why didn't someone TELL me turkeys can't fly?!" The stunt cost $1.3 Million in damages, and five people were sent to the hospital. Future Camp Monkee Mallard member Reggie Bushroot (then 13) said, "That was the weirdest thing I have ever seen in my life."

2/1985 - Colonel Nesmith opens a ride called "What a Wonderful World," and invites his late son's girlfriend, Jennifer Bailey, along with her older brother Rick, and several of their friends to be the firsts to ride it. It starts out slow and easy, but gradually escalates into a wild and intense ride, including images of drug use and abuse, and a gruesome re-enactment of Beau's murder. Despite protests from the group, The Colonel refuses to let them off the ride until the park closes, and he does not allow anyone else on the ride at all. Jennifer Bailey's parents threaten to sue the Colonel, and he threatens to turn Rick Bailey into the police on murder charges (though Rick is later convicted in Beau's murder, as a conspirator, five years later). Everytime the Bailey siblings or any of their friends visited the park, the Colonel forced them on the ride.

4/1985 - The Colonel builds the Cabbage Patch, featuring a cabbage garden with Cabbage Patch Kids doll faces "growing" in them (they aren't real dolls, they're painted fiberglass). For the next year and a half, the Colonel is constantly replacing cabbages that have been uprooted and stolen. "I have to wonder if whoever's been taking them thinks they can grow their own doll," he said.

6/1985 - The Colonel opens a boat ride called "The Ecology." It starts out as a slow cruise through a lush green valley, then drops down an incline, and riders are shown what pollution has done to the planet. The final minutes of the ride are set to Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me."

3/1986 - The Colonel replaces Strawberry Land with Poppyseed Place.

5/1986 - The Colonel removes "What a Wonderful World," and replaces it with "The Upchucker," a roller coaster where riders spend the bulk of it upside down, featuring a dozen loops, and a 25 mile per hour drop from a height of 60 feet.

6/1986 - The Colonel opens an attraction called "Poof Mooshy," a fun house type attraction where patrons walking through it have to find their way to the exits by squeezing through giant puffy marshmallows, which are tightly packed in the house. The Colonel claimed the name came from a variation of the "Chubby Bunny" game. His son, Beau, used to refer to it as "Poof Mooshy."

8/1986 - The Colonel shuts down Poof Mooshy after a three-year-old suffocates, a claustrophobic freaks out and tramples a five-year-old while rushing out, and future Camp Monkee Mallard personality Reggie Bushroot (then 15) has a near fatal asthma attack inside the attraction. All three families sue.

9/1986 - The family of a seventeen-year-old boy sues the park after he is killed while riding The Upchucker. The court sides with Colonel Nesmith after it is discovered that the boy was drunk, unbuckled the safety belt after the ride got started, and fell out of the car when it turned upside down.

10/31/1986 - About a hundred park guests are hospitalized after they become violently sick at the Colonel's Halloween party. Five end up dead from poisoning. Apparently, someone entered the park and mixed a poison with the cherry Kool-Aid the Colonel was serving. "Probably someone from the Rat Factory," the Colonel said. "They can't take the competition, you know." Among the visitors hospitalized was future Impossible Multi Mills (then four years old) and his older sister, Windy (then six). "I'm just thankful they made it," their father Ken Mills (who had a near death experience himself at the park fourteen years earlier), said. "My guess is that some whacko was inspired by the Jonestown incident back in seventy-eight. To this day, I can't look at a powdered drink mix, much less give it to my kids!"

11/1986 - The Colonel "produces" a stage show of "The First Thanksgiving." He changes some things around when he finds the show to be boring. He adds an alien invasion, and music from the Vhatchamacallit Thingamajig 3000. The show is berrated by parents who feel their children won't learn anything about Thanksgiving because of it.


NEXT TIME: 1987

1987 gets it's own section because THAT year was a long one!

Well, I went and I bought a drawing/graphics/pen tablet for my computer because I am sick and tired of inking my pencil lines and coloring by hand, and then scanning. I am also sick and tired of sketching the drawings out in pencil, scanning them in, erasing lines, and going over the pencil lines with the paint bucket (I call the process "Digital Inking"), and coloring. The easy part is the coloring (via paint bucket). The hardest part is the Digital Inking. That takes FOREVER and it's time consuming, and frustrating!

Anyway, I just bought a Wacom Bamboo Fun (Look It Up, Dear) online a couple of minutes ago. Hopefully, this will be easier than my current methods. The Bamboo Fun comes in two sizes. Small, and Medium. I went for the Medium. It comes in four colors. White, Silver, Black, and Blue. I wanted blue, but they didn't have it in stock, so I got white instead. It'll match my MacBook better, anyway.

Kittens, bunnies, golden retriever puppies, St. Bernard puppies, lion cubs, tiger cubs, bear cubs (oh my!), chicks, ducklings, horses . . . . . .

Tags: writer's block

Being on the bus when it takes a curve too fast.

Tags: writer's block

It was my first year at my work place. Apparently, every summer, they have this barbeque thing, and everyone had to get tickets for it (and this included the contractors. Shocking). Anyway, the tickets included a drawing, and apparently, my name came up. I won a Beanie Baby. It was a Blue Jay. I think he's over at my parents house, though with the rest of my Beanie Babies.

Tags: writer's block

*~*~*WARNING!*~*~*
There are some slightly gruesome events that happened in these years of the park history (please note that it is ALL FICTIONAL!!!!) Read at Your Own Risk.


4/1975 - Professor Heinrich der Vienerschnitzelsaurbrattengootenmorgenblinkenschmitzkhoff presents Colonel Nesmith with his Professor Heinrich der Vienerschnitzelsaurbrattengootenmorgenblinkenschmitzkhoff Vhatchamacallit Thingamajig 3000, which is an electric pipe organ synthesizer with colored fluorescent lights instead of pipes. It also squirts water and blows bubbles. The Colonel builds the Vhatchamacallit Theater to showcase the Vhatchamacallit Thingamajig 3000. Herve Roumonde, a French pianist, is hired to play it.

7/1975 - The Colonel begins preparation for an extravagent fireworks show for next year's bicentennial.

7/4/1976 - The colonel goes all out for the Nation's Bicentennial, including actors dressed as the founding fathers, a recreation of the signing of the Declaration of Independence, a recreation of Paul Revere's ride, a reproduction of the Liberty Bell, a large parade, and a fireworks spectacular. The "spectacular" becomes a disaster when several teenage boys waving sparklers accidentally set off two hundred plus rockets, and were injured in trying to stop them from going off.

3/1977 - The Colonel constructs Disco Land, featuring a pathwway made up of multi-colored light up tiles (which were controlled in an underground control room), a roller coaster called Disco Inferno, a Tilt-A-Whirl called "Disco Duck" (the cars are duck shaped), and a disco themed walk through fun house called "Boogie Nights." Disco music blares from speakers in this section of the park.

5/1977 - The Colonel constructs a large, metal box, with an impression of a man in it. The box is place in a large, cylindrical tube, with dry ice to simulate water vapor (the same thing that makes you see your breath when it's cold outside). The Colonel puts it on display as "Walt Disney: Crynogentically Frozen." It is unknown if patrons take this seriously or not.

7/1977 - The Colonel reconstructs Little Bunny Foo-Foo (again) and puts the Good Fairy and Goony Foo-Foo back in. Goony has been redesigned to appear more comical than frightening. The drop into "Goony Land" is toned down as well. The Good Fairy, Bunny, and Goony appear around the area as Meet and Greet characters as well.

9/1977 - The Colonel opens a second Tilt-A-Whirl called The Whirling Dervish, which features speeds that can reach up to ten times faster than the average Tilt-A-Whirl. Despite the motion sickness, it's a popular attraction.

6/1978 - Colonel Nesmith is presented with a baby aardvark from a wildlife reserve in Africa. The Colonel is an aardvark fancier, and builds "Haarvey" (which is what he named it, spelling intentional) a little area in the park designed to look like an aardvark's natural habitat.

8/1978 - The Colonel closes down the petting zoo and pony rides after a six-year-old girl is bitten by a pony, a goat head butts a forty-two-year-old man (earning him the nickname "Mickey Mouse" by his family), and a donkey escapes his pen and runs amuck, which included a run into an ice cream stand, and he gets into the whipped cream. The Colonel didn't find out the "Mad Donkey" wasn't rabid until after it was killed.

9/1978 - The Colonel replaces the petting zoo area with a boat ride based on the movie "Raggedy Ann and Andy: A Musical Adventure."

2/1978 - Cast and crew of a local children's show, "Uncle Pockets" (who is a Captain Kangaroo wannabe) visit the park and film a behind the scenes look about how amusement parks work and how rides are operated.

5/1979 - The Sunshine Factory is sued for false advertising when patrons expect to see the band America perform at the park, as stated on flyers and newspaper ads. The Colonel sues the printer for changing his original announcement. The printer thought it was a spelling error. The band that had performed was called Emyereekah. Both suits were later dropped.

3/1980 - A motorcycle gang known as The Skid Marks visit the park. There are at least three hundred members visiting, from all over the country. The Skid Marks spend most of the morning drinking and being obnoxious (blocking turnstiles, pinching women's rear ends, showing obscenities at people, popping children's balloons, etc). While on Little Bunny Foo Foo, three boat loads of them start screaming the song at the tops of their voices, modifying the lyrics ("Little Bunny Woo Woo bopping through the forest, *bleep*ing up the field mice and *bleep*ing in their beds!") (draw your own conclusion to what the lyrics are, folks) They get out of their boats in the middle of the ride (the ride had stopped momentarily so employees could help a wheelchair bound patron board the ride), and begin screaming their version of the song, drowning out the ride's soundtrack. Another runs around drawing mustaches on the bunnies. Another tries to have his way with the animatronic Good Fairy. In Goony Land, one of the members stands in front of Goony Foo-Foo, au naturel, wearing a pair of rabbit ears, and screams "I'm Big Fat Goony Foo-Foo all you little *bleep*s!" Colonel Nesmith got several complaints from disgusted families. The Colonel shut the ride down for the day and gave the Skid Marks a warning. As the day wears on, the Skid Marks' behavoir progressively grow worse. When they come into Disco Land, they begin screaming, yelling, and go into a frenzy. They begin to tear the section of the park apart. Colonel Nesmith asks them to leave, and the Skid Marks start a riot. At least a hundred of the members drive their motorcycles into the park. Others start throwing whatever they can get their hands on, from stuffed bunnies to chairs at the restaurants. Several members start brawling with each other to the point of members brandishing knives and guns. The park is immediately evacuated, but the Skid Marks storm the parking lot, slashing people's tires, hitting their cars with lead pipes, and throwing anything they can at the cars. One overzealous Skid Mark douses Disco Land with gasoline and throws a lit cigarette into it, causing the area to go up in flames. He stands in the middle Disco Land, screaming "DISCO INFERNO" at the top of his lungs, over and over again. The fire in Disco Land quickly became out of control, and spread to other areas of the park, and the fire department was dispatched. By the time it's all over, the park is all but destroyed, over two hundred people are injured, and twenty are dead, fifteen of them being members of the Skid Marks, including the man standing in the middle of the "Disco Land Inferno."

3/1980-4/1982 - Colonel Nesmith spends the next two years rebuilding his park. There are plans to beef up security and install metal deteactors at the front gate. Colonel Nesmith also forbids the sale of toy guns and removes the shooting gallery, Wild West Revue, Haunted Hill, Psychedelic Drug Trip, Bat Out of You Know Where, the Annialator, and makes changes to the Lumber Yard log flume ride. He is quoted to say, "I ain't taken no chances!"

4/1982 - The Grand Reopening of The Sunshine Factory. Taking the place of Haunted Hill is "Strawberry Land," dedicated to Strawberry Shortcake. Psychedelic Drug Trip is replaced with "Pac Man," a ride based on the arcade game. Bat Out of You Know Where is replaced by a tamer roller coaster called "The Spinner." The Western themed area is changed to "Camp Fuzzy Wuzzy" featuring cute and cuddly forest critters. Disco Land is replaced with The Super Hero Association of the World, and features heroes like Wonder Man, Cat Man, Fly Girl, The Blue Lampost, and The Yellow Wasp (the Colonel couldn't get permission for the Justice League of America, so he had to make due).

10/1982 - The TV dance show, "Non-Stop Sock Hop," tapes a Dance Off contest at the park. Two of the dancers, Clarence Jorgenson and Robert Rafelsen, get into a fight over Jorgenson scoring lower than Rafelsen. This escalates into a brawl, and several patrons sustained injuries trying to break it up. After this, the Colonel vows never to allow TV people in the park again.



NEXT TIME: 1983-1986

I got my DVD of that Saturday Morning cartoon set. Keep in mind, I only bought it for a documentary known as "Monster Rock" which talked about Frankenstein Jr. & The Impossibles.

Man, was I disappointed. It was too short, and they didn't tell us ANYthing fun about it. Just some stuff about Hanna-Barbera always lampooning what was popular, and how it (and stupid old Space Ghost) started this Superhero craze.

$20 (plus shipping) for THAT?! Geesh!

Current Mood: disappointed

*~*~*WARNING!*~*~*
There are some slightly gruesome events that happened in these years of the park history (please note that it is ALL FICTIONAL!!!!) Read at Your Own Risk.


5/1970 - Colonel Nesmith closes "Little Bunny Foo-Foo" after a four-year-old is literally scared to death on the ride, and his parents sue.

7/1970 - "Zippy's Big Top" is cancelled after a ten year run at the park, when Zippy the Clown dies. Willard Fredricks (68) suffered a heart attack in front of his audience (and on live television), and fell face first into a banana cream pie. Since Zippy the Clown was known for pratfalls into pies, everyone thought it was part of the act.

8/1970 - Parents claim their children have been "traumatized for life," after seeing Zippy the Clown "drown" in a banana cream pie. They sue the Colonel, the park, and Kiddie Korner TV Productions.

10/1970 - Colonel Nesmith signs on Arthur Millinier as a partner. The "Zippy's Big Top" attraction is removed to make room for the new Annialator roller coaster.

2/1971 - Little Bunny Foo-Foo returns to the park. The new version follows the events in the song, but leaves out "Little Goony Foo-Foo" entirely, and changes the lyrics to "kissing," "stroking," and "patting" the fieldmice on the head, instead of bopping them. It's a big hit with the little ones, but older audiences and parents find it annoying. The Colonel threatens to put Goony Foo-Foo back in if they don't "shut up" about it.

3/1971 - The park makes headlines when a man named Aloycious Poindexter climbed to the top of The Upchuck Arms, and jumped off. Poindexter miraculousy survived, but he *did* break every bone in his body. Poindexter was a patient at the local mental institution, Walnut Center, having been sent there because he believed he was Superman. This was not the first encounter with Poindexter at the park. He once tried to bend the steel tracks on YEEEERRRRGGGHHH!!!!! Then, he tried to convince kids at the shooting gallery to fire at him, and watch the bullets bounce off his chest (the BB's had long since been removed, but Poindexter was still injured in the incident). At one point, he convinced a fellow inmate to "kidnap" an unsuspecting, unidentified female park guest and tie her to the tracks of the Gingerbread Express, so "Superman" could come to "Lois Lane's" rescue. The Colonel was reported to have said, "In this business, you meet all kinds." The "flight" off the Upchuck Arms was the last Colonel Nesmith heard of Poindexter.

8/1971 - An animal right's group sneaks into the park after hours and begins "liberating" the animals at the petting zoo. They open stall doors, and pigs, goats, horses, donkeys, and ponies start running amuck. What makes this incident more bizarre is one overly diligent member (read: completely psychotic) tried to "liberate" the horses on the three story carousel, only to electrocute himself. Park maintenance found his charred body in the morning. Animal handlers spent three hours rounding up the animals and getting them back to the barn. The park didn't open until noon, due to "Technical Difficulties."

3/1972 - The Colonel introduces the Animals A to Z Parade, featuring an animal for every letter of the alphabet: Aardvark, Bear, Camel, Deer, Elephant, Flamingo, Giraffe, Hippo, Iguana, Jaguar, Kangaroo, Lion, Monkey, Nightengale, Ostrich, Penguin, Quail, Rhinoserous, Sea Lion, Tiger, Ukari (whatever *that* is), Vulture, Walrus, Xerus (yes, there *is* such an animal!), Yak, and Zebra.

4/2/1972 - The Animals A to Z Parade turns into a disaster. Despite being told not to, patrons try to feed the animals; a group of smart aleck kids taunt them by throwing things at them; and quite a few of the animals are getting restless. All heck breaks loose when a balloon pops and frightens the deer (which happens to be an eight point buck), and it takes off running. This starts a stampede. Park guests panic, which causes the animals to panic. By the time things get under control, a hundred people are injured, ten hospitalized, and three dead, including a clown that was crushed by the elephant. The next day headlines read "Chuckles Bites the Dust."

7/1972 - Colonel Nemith's partnership with Arthur Millinier comes to an abrupt end when Millinier sues to park after his sixteen-year-old son, Kenneth (later known as Ken Mills) suffers a heart attack on the Annialator. It is then discovered Kenneth had a hidden heart condition, but was unaware of it until this incident.

9/1972 - The animal rights group that tried "liberating" the park animals sues the park for the death of their comrade, who was electrocuted on the carousel when he tried to free the horses because he thought they were real. The young man was also completely drunk at the time of his death.

5/1973 - Colonel Nesmith is arrested for drug possession, and spends a year in jail. The park remains open while the Colonel is incarcerated, and is run by wife, Prudence.

5/1974 - Colonel Nesmith is released from jail after serving his time.




Next: 1975-1982

3/1964 - Colonel Nesmith begins a campaign, stating "The Britisth Beetles Are Coming to the Sunshine Factory." Another announcement states "Directly from Liverpool, The Beetles Are Coming." Teenagers think the spelling is a misprint.

5/20/1964 - Thousands of irate teenagers demand their money back after the premiere of The Beetles. They were expecting The Beatles. Instead, they got The Beetles: four animatronic bugs with mop-top hair do's singing sped up versions of Beatles tunes. The teenagers claim it was false advertising.

6/1964 - The Colonel replaces Goosetown with Candy Land. Rides include "The Gingerbread Express," "The Good Ship Lollipop," a simple Merry-Go-Round, pony rides, and a petting zoo.

7/1964 - The Colonel opens "Western Revue," a stage show featuring typical western performances until the show is interupted by the western bandit Black Bart.

8/1964 - Meece Hunt is changed to Mouse in the House. The cars are redesigned, and Mr. Jinks is taken out of the ride completely.

3/1965 - "Lumber Yard," a log flume ride, opens. The ride is designed to look like an old fashioned saw mill, complete with a story line straight out of an old silent movie: the hero, the damsel in distress, and the evil villian and the saw mill.

6/1965 - "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz," a boat ride which tells the classic story, opens.

9/1965 - "The Super Spy Coaster" opens. The Colonel claims it was inspired by "Secret Squirrel."

2/14/1966 - The Colonel opens the Tunnel of Love. He has the water dyed pink especially for this ride.

3/1966 - Crews construct The Cotton Candy Castle and Ice Cream Mountain in Candy Land.

5/1966 - Goosetown returns to the park, but as a boat ride instead of an entire land. Guests ride goose shaped boats (similar to the Tunnel of Love's swan boats) and ride through various Mother Goose rhymes.

7/1966 - "The Upchuck Arms," a fifteen story free-fall, opens.

9/1966 - The Colonel opens "Bat Outta You Know Where" (and yes, that's the actual name of the ride). This roller coaster goes twice as fast as the average coaster, and features several twists, turns, drops, loops, inversions, and a completely vertical drop. Two days after opening, the Colonel opens a first aid station and restrooms next to the ride's exit.

6/1967 - The Colonel opens "Glow Worm," a roller coaster made up of half a million colored lights.

8/1967 - Colonel Nesmith recieves criticism for allowing hippies into The Sunshine Factory. He was reported to have said, "So what if they have long hair? If they're willing to pay admission price, they're welcome to come in. Their money is as good as anyone else's!"

4/1968 - Candy Land is renamed Bubblegum World.

5/1968 - The Colonel opens "Psychedelic Drug Trip," an indoor roller coaster featuring psychedelic lights and colors, loops, twists, and rolls.

6/1968 - Parents complain Psychedelic Drug Trip is encouraging their kids to try drugs. The Colonel refuses to close the ride.

9/16/1968 - Colonel Nesmith's only child, Beauregarde Nesmith, is born.

3/1969 - The Colonel opens "Little Bunny Foo-Foo," a boat ride based on the children's song. The ride features animatronic bunnies singing the song, an animatronic Little Bunny Foo-Foo hopping through the forest, and bopping field mice on the head, and an animatronic Good Fairy threatening to turn Bunny into a goon. At one point in the ride, guests slide down a flume into pitch darkness, where Little Goony Foo-Foo makes his appearance. Little Goony Foo-Foo is a large, nightmarish rabbit with glowing red eyes, and twelve inch claws. It's best described as a deranged Easter Bunny.

5/1969 - Despite the large number of complaints, the Colonel states Little Bunny Foo-Foo will remain open.




NEXT TIME: 1970-1974

Current Mood: creative